My heart is full tonight

I received news late today that my maternal grandmother died last night. I have been wrestling with whether or not I will go to the funeral on Sunday or not. My cousin, Erica and her mom, are going to be there. They are driving in after her boys' baseball games. I talked to my mom, my pastor, and a couple of friends about this. I'm not sure. I'm going to pray before I go to bed and make a decision in the morning.

When I talked to Bro. Mike about this tonight, he said that this is something that I have to decide for myself of course I knew that. It's a tough decision too, because of the history between Gladys and I. Then, there is the whole Theresa issue. I'm not sure how I will handle seeing her again. Bro. Mike prayed with me tonight and I felt so much better after. I really do feel God is leading me to go just so that I don't have any regrets later on. That is what he said was really going to be the decision here, should I go so that I don't have those regrets? You know be the mature person and pay my respects to my grandmother because I loved her no matter what happened between us.

I was looking up verses in the bible to help me and I found this one that I really like for this moment.

Psalm 55:22
"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee, he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

I really like the first part of that "Cast your burden upon the Lord and he shall sustain thee" just knowing that whatever I am going through God is going to carry me through it. Bro. Mike said something to me tonight that is helping me. He said God will give me the grace to make it through whatever decision he leads me too. Meaning that if God lays it on my heart not to go to the funeral, then He will see me through the guilt that will come later on. At the same time, He will see me through the pain of facing Theresa and the other family too. Either way, He's carrying me and that's what I'm holding on to right now. That whatever the decision, God is carrying me and giving me the strength to go through this.

Mixed feelings about this one

I received a message from my cousin, Erica, today. She informed me my maternal grandmother is dying or could already be dead. She apparently fell hitting her head. She has a blood clot and bleeding on the brain. I have serious mixed feelings about this because on the one hand I haven't had anything to do with her for half my life. Then, on the other hand she is my grandmother than I love(d). I'm going to pray about this.

Really the only thing that I know to do is pray. Pray for comfort for Gladys, that she is not suffering. Pray for the family that is close to her aka my birth mother and my sister, and uncle. Praying is the only thing I know to do now. There's much more to this story but I'm too tired to write about it now.

Meme

Meme was taken to the hospital today for chest pains. Her heart rate dropped very low. That's what she told me when, I talked to her a few minutes ago. She was tired. I could hear it in her voice.

I'm praying that she recovers from this. And is able to go home soon.

My Bucket of tears is almost full

I have two weeks left of my semester. Two weeks of finalizing projects and writing. Two weeks of getting my last minute things done in my classes. Or so I thought, tonight, I came home from work and went online to check my stuff out for my theories paper I have due. I thought it was one of those papers, I could do in a couple of days and be done with it. However, something was nagging at me to check my syllabus again tonight. When I did, i figured out that I have more to do on that paper than I thought. So, I go into panic mode. I know that is not good to do. Anyway, I am trying to get my mind together to figure out what to do and I can't quit thinking "I have more than I thought I did. I screwed up!" So I called my friend Rachel and talked to her about my situation. You know, God puts people in your lives for certain reasons and I believe Rach is in mine to help in moments of panic, like tonight. After talking to her for a while, I calmed down A LOT! She helped me come up with a plan to get this and my other stuff done before the due date. When I got off the phone, I felt better, not 100%, but better than I did. Then, i did the next thing I knew I needed to do and what I should have done to start with...I prayed. I asked God to give me the strength and use my time wisely the next two weeks. I'm not a real expert on being able to go to a passage in the Bible in every situation so I don't know what other verse to use here except Philipans 4:13...'I can do all things thru Christ which strengthens me.' And if I do say so myself it fits prefect for this moment.

Lord,
I come to you now to ask for your guidance in the next few weeks concerning my school work Lord. I just ask that you guide me to use my time wisely and give me the strength to get through these two weeks Lord. Lord, I know we all make mistakes and this just proves that I make them too. An oversite, on my part, does not mean I have to get a bad grade on the paper. Lord, please help me through the next 2 wks and I pray that my efforts to show Lord. Thank you for all you have given me and done for me Lord. I love you, In Jesus' name. Amen.

ENT appointment today

Well, I had my ENT appointment today. The Doc is putting me back on antibiotics for 3 weeks. Then, I will go for a CT scan of the sinuses and an allergy test. Leslie went with me today, which was good, having her there took my mind off of the appointment. Now, I will wait for the CT to be done.

Leslie and I had a wonderful time. When we got back to my house we took some pictures in the front yard. Here's a preview of our pictures.





My dad took a picture with me too.



Okay that is all for now. Just thought I would share that with you.

I would like you to meet...

My best friend...Leslie.

We have been through so much together in the nearly 20 years since we have known each other. Let me tell you how I met her.

We were in fourth grade, 1993. The teacher, Mrs. Bradshaw, asked the class to line up at the door for lunch. I was standing around with a scared look on my face (I'm sure). I was new to the school and the class. This girl asked me if I wanted to get in front of her. I accepted her invitation to stand next to her. We became friends and 17 years later here we are.

During those 17 years, we have had some good times and not so good times. We have seen each other through so many happy moments and sad heartaches. Like when my parents divorced or we were separated by 500 miles because my mother moved me and my sister out of state. When we graduated high school, had our first crush, first boyfriend, first broken heart. When we went off to college. And the hours and days we spent planning our futures together. The two houses side-by-side with an underground tunnel leading to each others house. Our midnight runs to Wal-Mart. And 2 years ago when Leslie's mom died from lung cancer. I always knew in the back of my mind that one day, far in the future, we would say goodbye to each others parents. What I wasn't ready for was Leslie losing her mother so soon in her life. It was hard to watch my best friend lose her mother. I can't explain the look Leslie had on her face after Mrs. Evans died. She was never the same, and that was expected. You don't lose a parent and not expect to come out unchanged. I am proud of the way she handled it. She cried, we cried, and she cried some more...and I let her do so on my shoulder when she needed it, after all, that is what besties are for...right? As the months passed, Leslie grieved for her mother, and clung to God's promise that one day she will see her mom again. She's a strong woman, Leslie, much like the way I remember her mom.

O but, Leslie and I have also had some not so good times together. Three years ago, we didn't speak for about 6 months. I don't even remember what it was about to be honest with you. But I think that time was good for us because I think we are closer now than before.

She's more than a friend to me, Leslie is my sister. God brought her into my life many years ago, so that she could be there for me now in this moment in my life. I believe God knew we needed each other. For different reasons, and I'm not sure what those are. But, here we are.

I pray that God allows us to experience getting married, being mothers, and raising our children together. I can't think of anyone else I would rather have with me as I experience each of these things. We always joke about how we feel sorry for the men that decide to marry us. Because...well, they will 'marry' both of us. And of course have to put up with our crazy-ness.

So that is my BEST FRIEND, Leslie. I love her. Sometimes I wonder how she puts up with me!! :)

I had to do something

This weekend while visiting with my cousin Amanda, she told me about her friend I'll call Sue. Sue is married to a man who is abusing her and has been for some time now. They have a little boy together. And to my knowledge the man has not hurt his son physically.

Last night Amanda called me and told me that Sue's husband was choking her in front of her son. When she told her son to go next door and call 911 his dad told him to go to his room. I don't know this for sure but he probably threatened the little boy. Amanda called the police and they came and got Sue and her son. The police took them to Amanda's house and she is taking them to a shelter this morning. I prayed that God would protect them and let them get out of there. He did...He protected her and her son. I do wish there was more I could do, but I can't because I have to go to work. Although, I would go get them in a heart beat and bring them back here. I told Amanda I would help in anyway I could. I know God will protect them and send the right resources at the right time.

He is risen!

That's right, I serve a risen Savior. Today is Easter and I had such a wonderful time at church this morning. The cantata was awesome as always.

Well, let me get you caught up on my weekend. I was off Friday, so I jumped in my truck and went to Louisiana to visit my family and friends. First stop was Mandy Gail's house. She went with me to Monroe to get me truck checked out. Then, back to Oak Grove for Nita's 2 kids birthday party. Where Lulu (birthday kid #2) got hurt when her brother slammed a door on her head. Poor baby. Then, it wouldn't be a party without one other person getting hurt too. That person would be me. I broke or sprain my toe. I don't even know how I did it either. So weird. The toe is looking better though. You may be wondering how did I ever break my toe at a 6 & 5 years olds party. Well, I was letting the little ones chase me. I stopped and sat on the ground the kids starting pushing me like they wanted me to lay back. Well, I did just that and somewhere between them taking my glasses and shoes and me chasing them; I stumped my toe. After the party, I went to Meme's house. Told her and my aunt all about my trip to the Bahamas. Enjoyed my time with them.

Saturday, I went to Swartz to see my friend Brandy and her family. I stayed for several hours and had a blast. We got caught up on all that had been happening in our lives. We also figured out that it had been maybe 2 years since we last saw each other. Her and Shane have two children, Alexa and Zayne. They are growing like little weeds. I had a blast and told Brandy that we don't need to let it be another two years before we see each other again.

I had a great weekend. And I wish I had more time to spend with my family and friends in Louisiana. But the weekend is coming to a close and I have chores and school work that I have to get done tonight. This next week starts a busy month for me. I have one research paper, immersion project, and theory paper to write. I'm sure I have more stuff to do too but I don't know what it is. Yet!

I'm coming out...

Of my depression that is. I have been talking to God about my struggles and He is helping me to get out of my depression. It's so weird because just last week I was down in the dumps about all this stuff going on in my life at the moment, but after talking to God I feel better all the way around. Thank you-Lord.

It is Easter this weekend...well tomorrow really. Tomorrow is the day we celebrate Jesus' death. Celebrate, seems so wrong to use in this context. But, if Jesus had not died then there would be no Easter Sunday. The day we celebrate His rising from the dead. If Jesus had not died we would have no one to save us from being sinners. Easter is not a big deal to my dad. It's just another day, but I like to celebrate it and spend time with family and friends.

I'm going to Louisiana this weekend to see Meme and some cousins. I am also going to go see my friend Brandy from college. I am looking forward to a good weekend with family and friends. Then, on Sunday, I will get up and go to church for the services there.