The funeral and the days after

On Sunday, May 2, 2010, I said goodbye to my maternal grandmother. It was something I had decided to do after praying and talking to Bro. Mike and my mom and praying some more. Since writing is about the only way that I do get to release myself and my feelings, I probably should have done this from the very beginning this week.

I was so nervous about going to the funeral, and I didn't know what the event would bring. I was more upset about having to see Theresa and Reesa than anything else. I hadn't seen them in 7 years. I didn't know how they would react to me being there. Anyway, I knew that God was laying it on my heart to go. I felt at peace after the decision was made and I wasn't going to back out.

My mom and Jeff came to get me Sunday morning and we drove down to Lake Providence. It was a long drive simply because I was upset about the situation. However, I had to go; I didn't want to have any regrets later on in my life about this moment of saying goodbye to Grandma. As we were driving down to La, I got to talking to mom and Jeff about everything that has happened. It was nice to talk to them about all this and in a way, I'm so glad I got that long drive to the funeral. I had time to clear my head and say a prayer before going in.

When we got to Oak Grove my cousin, Amanda, had called and told me that she had told everyone I was coming. I didn't tell her not to say anything so I couldn't get that upset after and actually I wasn't upset with her at all. I just didn't want anyone to have time to cook up trouble before I got there. Amanda just said that Reesa had asked how she found out about Grandma and she told her I did and I was on my way.

We arrived at the funeral and I called Erica to let her know that I was there. Nan, Erica and Reesa were walking from Erica's truck when I saw them. I got out of the car and hugged Nan and Erica. It was so emotional for me. I had not seen Erica in almost 15 years and Nan in 10 years. I cried when I hugged them. Nan led the way into the funeral home; asking me what I was doing these days. As we approached the door, I saw Theresa sitting on the couch. I didn't recognize her at first. She has really let herself go.
Nan led me to where the casket was at. I walked slowly behind her, nervous as ever. Mom and Jeff were behind me and mom was holding my hand. I walked into the room and saw Reesa standing by the casket. I went to her and embraced her. We hugged and cried together for what seemed like a long time. After I let go of her, she saw my mom and Jeff. We introduced everyone and started talking. I couldn't get over the way my sister looked. She looks great. She has lost about 100 lbs she said and is in nursing school with one year left. I couldn't believe how great she looks.

Anyway, I visited with Nan and Erica before the service started. Not once did Theresa try to say anything to me or start anything. Good thing too, I had my body guards with me so nobody was going to mess with me :).

The service went well and I finally cried for Grandma when I saw her in the casket the second time. I haven't really cried since then but grieving is a process and we all go through it at different speeds. After the service, Nan and Erica left almost immediately and I don't blame them, less chance that something will start that way.

Reesa and I talked too. I asked her to call Daddy and she said she needed time. I told her that I understood that. We exchanged phone numbers. I gave her my cell, daddy's home, and mom's cell numbers. I asked her to go see Meme too. She wanted to know if Aunt Carla Ann would let her, I told her to tell her that she was there to see Meme not her. Reesa called me later that night and we talked about going together to see Meme, so we are planning for a weekend.

Reesa and I have talked everyday in some way since Sunday. I am so excited God has opened this door. Reesa really seems to have grown-up a lot.

I'm going to the funeral

So I woke up this morning with one thing on my mind, the funeral. I decided to go, because I do not want to have any regrets about not saying my final goodbye to Gladys. I think this will help me heal and end this chapter of my life. Somehow, I can't help but think this is the way God wanted it for me. I am finally going to be able to see my birth mother again and face her without running away. That is a big huge step for me. I will be able to say goodbye to my grandmother whom I loved so much as a younger child. I am almost certain I can pinpoint the day I stopped being her "baby." But now is not the time to think about the what ifs and the should have beens. I do not regret my decision to not speak to her or see her. This is what growing up means for me and being able to put this part of my life behind me. Of course I have questions that will never be answered by Gladys, but that's okay. I don't think I would have liked the answers to them anyway. Tomorrow is going to be the toughest day for me, right now is hard too. I need to be working on a paper and instead I am doing this. I can't concentrate right now. I think I will take a nap and let my mind rest then start on it. But tomorrow...tomorrow is in God's hands. He is already there waiting on me. He is carrying me through this emotional time. It is at these times that I am so thankful for the relationship I have with Jesus. I have someone to lean on, to carry me when I am unable to walk, and to catch my tears when i am hurting. I will follow up within the next week with what happens tomorrow.

My heart is full tonight

I received news late today that my maternal grandmother died last night. I have been wrestling with whether or not I will go to the funeral on Sunday or not. My cousin, Erica and her mom, are going to be there. They are driving in after her boys' baseball games. I talked to my mom, my pastor, and a couple of friends about this. I'm not sure. I'm going to pray before I go to bed and make a decision in the morning.

When I talked to Bro. Mike about this tonight, he said that this is something that I have to decide for myself of course I knew that. It's a tough decision too, because of the history between Gladys and I. Then, there is the whole Theresa issue. I'm not sure how I will handle seeing her again. Bro. Mike prayed with me tonight and I felt so much better after. I really do feel God is leading me to go just so that I don't have any regrets later on. That is what he said was really going to be the decision here, should I go so that I don't have those regrets? You know be the mature person and pay my respects to my grandmother because I loved her no matter what happened between us.

I was looking up verses in the bible to help me and I found this one that I really like for this moment.

Psalm 55:22
"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee, he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

I really like the first part of that "Cast your burden upon the Lord and he shall sustain thee" just knowing that whatever I am going through God is going to carry me through it. Bro. Mike said something to me tonight that is helping me. He said God will give me the grace to make it through whatever decision he leads me too. Meaning that if God lays it on my heart not to go to the funeral, then He will see me through the guilt that will come later on. At the same time, He will see me through the pain of facing Theresa and the other family too. Either way, He's carrying me and that's what I'm holding on to right now. That whatever the decision, God is carrying me and giving me the strength to go through this.

Mixed feelings about this one

I received a message from my cousin, Erica, today. She informed me my maternal grandmother is dying or could already be dead. She apparently fell hitting her head. She has a blood clot and bleeding on the brain. I have serious mixed feelings about this because on the one hand I haven't had anything to do with her for half my life. Then, on the other hand she is my grandmother than I love(d). I'm going to pray about this.

Really the only thing that I know to do is pray. Pray for comfort for Gladys, that she is not suffering. Pray for the family that is close to her aka my birth mother and my sister, and uncle. Praying is the only thing I know to do now. There's much more to this story but I'm too tired to write about it now.

Meme

Meme was taken to the hospital today for chest pains. Her heart rate dropped very low. That's what she told me when, I talked to her a few minutes ago. She was tired. I could hear it in her voice.

I'm praying that she recovers from this. And is able to go home soon.

My Bucket of tears is almost full

I have two weeks left of my semester. Two weeks of finalizing projects and writing. Two weeks of getting my last minute things done in my classes. Or so I thought, tonight, I came home from work and went online to check my stuff out for my theories paper I have due. I thought it was one of those papers, I could do in a couple of days and be done with it. However, something was nagging at me to check my syllabus again tonight. When I did, i figured out that I have more to do on that paper than I thought. So, I go into panic mode. I know that is not good to do. Anyway, I am trying to get my mind together to figure out what to do and I can't quit thinking "I have more than I thought I did. I screwed up!" So I called my friend Rachel and talked to her about my situation. You know, God puts people in your lives for certain reasons and I believe Rach is in mine to help in moments of panic, like tonight. After talking to her for a while, I calmed down A LOT! She helped me come up with a plan to get this and my other stuff done before the due date. When I got off the phone, I felt better, not 100%, but better than I did. Then, i did the next thing I knew I needed to do and what I should have done to start with...I prayed. I asked God to give me the strength and use my time wisely the next two weeks. I'm not a real expert on being able to go to a passage in the Bible in every situation so I don't know what other verse to use here except Philipans 4:13...'I can do all things thru Christ which strengthens me.' And if I do say so myself it fits prefect for this moment.

Lord,
I come to you now to ask for your guidance in the next few weeks concerning my school work Lord. I just ask that you guide me to use my time wisely and give me the strength to get through these two weeks Lord. Lord, I know we all make mistakes and this just proves that I make them too. An oversite, on my part, does not mean I have to get a bad grade on the paper. Lord, please help me through the next 2 wks and I pray that my efforts to show Lord. Thank you for all you have given me and done for me Lord. I love you, In Jesus' name. Amen.

ENT appointment today

Well, I had my ENT appointment today. The Doc is putting me back on antibiotics for 3 weeks. Then, I will go for a CT scan of the sinuses and an allergy test. Leslie went with me today, which was good, having her there took my mind off of the appointment. Now, I will wait for the CT to be done.

Leslie and I had a wonderful time. When we got back to my house we took some pictures in the front yard. Here's a preview of our pictures.





My dad took a picture with me too.



Okay that is all for now. Just thought I would share that with you.

I would like you to meet...

My best friend...Leslie.

We have been through so much together in the nearly 20 years since we have known each other. Let me tell you how I met her.

We were in fourth grade, 1993. The teacher, Mrs. Bradshaw, asked the class to line up at the door for lunch. I was standing around with a scared look on my face (I'm sure). I was new to the school and the class. This girl asked me if I wanted to get in front of her. I accepted her invitation to stand next to her. We became friends and 17 years later here we are.

During those 17 years, we have had some good times and not so good times. We have seen each other through so many happy moments and sad heartaches. Like when my parents divorced or we were separated by 500 miles because my mother moved me and my sister out of state. When we graduated high school, had our first crush, first boyfriend, first broken heart. When we went off to college. And the hours and days we spent planning our futures together. The two houses side-by-side with an underground tunnel leading to each others house. Our midnight runs to Wal-Mart. And 2 years ago when Leslie's mom died from lung cancer. I always knew in the back of my mind that one day, far in the future, we would say goodbye to each others parents. What I wasn't ready for was Leslie losing her mother so soon in her life. It was hard to watch my best friend lose her mother. I can't explain the look Leslie had on her face after Mrs. Evans died. She was never the same, and that was expected. You don't lose a parent and not expect to come out unchanged. I am proud of the way she handled it. She cried, we cried, and she cried some more...and I let her do so on my shoulder when she needed it, after all, that is what besties are for...right? As the months passed, Leslie grieved for her mother, and clung to God's promise that one day she will see her mom again. She's a strong woman, Leslie, much like the way I remember her mom.

O but, Leslie and I have also had some not so good times together. Three years ago, we didn't speak for about 6 months. I don't even remember what it was about to be honest with you. But I think that time was good for us because I think we are closer now than before.

She's more than a friend to me, Leslie is my sister. God brought her into my life many years ago, so that she could be there for me now in this moment in my life. I believe God knew we needed each other. For different reasons, and I'm not sure what those are. But, here we are.

I pray that God allows us to experience getting married, being mothers, and raising our children together. I can't think of anyone else I would rather have with me as I experience each of these things. We always joke about how we feel sorry for the men that decide to marry us. Because...well, they will 'marry' both of us. And of course have to put up with our crazy-ness.

So that is my BEST FRIEND, Leslie. I love her. Sometimes I wonder how she puts up with me!! :)

I had to do something

This weekend while visiting with my cousin Amanda, she told me about her friend I'll call Sue. Sue is married to a man who is abusing her and has been for some time now. They have a little boy together. And to my knowledge the man has not hurt his son physically.

Last night Amanda called me and told me that Sue's husband was choking her in front of her son. When she told her son to go next door and call 911 his dad told him to go to his room. I don't know this for sure but he probably threatened the little boy. Amanda called the police and they came and got Sue and her son. The police took them to Amanda's house and she is taking them to a shelter this morning. I prayed that God would protect them and let them get out of there. He did...He protected her and her son. I do wish there was more I could do, but I can't because I have to go to work. Although, I would go get them in a heart beat and bring them back here. I told Amanda I would help in anyway I could. I know God will protect them and send the right resources at the right time.

He is risen!

That's right, I serve a risen Savior. Today is Easter and I had such a wonderful time at church this morning. The cantata was awesome as always.

Well, let me get you caught up on my weekend. I was off Friday, so I jumped in my truck and went to Louisiana to visit my family and friends. First stop was Mandy Gail's house. She went with me to Monroe to get me truck checked out. Then, back to Oak Grove for Nita's 2 kids birthday party. Where Lulu (birthday kid #2) got hurt when her brother slammed a door on her head. Poor baby. Then, it wouldn't be a party without one other person getting hurt too. That person would be me. I broke or sprain my toe. I don't even know how I did it either. So weird. The toe is looking better though. You may be wondering how did I ever break my toe at a 6 & 5 years olds party. Well, I was letting the little ones chase me. I stopped and sat on the ground the kids starting pushing me like they wanted me to lay back. Well, I did just that and somewhere between them taking my glasses and shoes and me chasing them; I stumped my toe. After the party, I went to Meme's house. Told her and my aunt all about my trip to the Bahamas. Enjoyed my time with them.

Saturday, I went to Swartz to see my friend Brandy and her family. I stayed for several hours and had a blast. We got caught up on all that had been happening in our lives. We also figured out that it had been maybe 2 years since we last saw each other. Her and Shane have two children, Alexa and Zayne. They are growing like little weeds. I had a blast and told Brandy that we don't need to let it be another two years before we see each other again.

I had a great weekend. And I wish I had more time to spend with my family and friends in Louisiana. But the weekend is coming to a close and I have chores and school work that I have to get done tonight. This next week starts a busy month for me. I have one research paper, immersion project, and theory paper to write. I'm sure I have more stuff to do too but I don't know what it is. Yet!

I'm coming out...

Of my depression that is. I have been talking to God about my struggles and He is helping me to get out of my depression. It's so weird because just last week I was down in the dumps about all this stuff going on in my life at the moment, but after talking to God I feel better all the way around. Thank you-Lord.

It is Easter this weekend...well tomorrow really. Tomorrow is the day we celebrate Jesus' death. Celebrate, seems so wrong to use in this context. But, if Jesus had not died then there would be no Easter Sunday. The day we celebrate His rising from the dead. If Jesus had not died we would have no one to save us from being sinners. Easter is not a big deal to my dad. It's just another day, but I like to celebrate it and spend time with family and friends.

I'm going to Louisiana this weekend to see Meme and some cousins. I am also going to go see my friend Brandy from college. I am looking forward to a good weekend with family and friends. Then, on Sunday, I will get up and go to church for the services there.

}The Simple Woman's Daybook{

Outside my window...the sun is setting behind the pine trees.
I am thinking...about my cousin. Hoping to hear from her soon.
I am thankful for...my family. My dad especially, even though he gets on my nerves. I love him. Leslie, my best friend, I don’t know how we have stayed friends for nearly 20 years but I know it would not be possible without God in the middle of the relationship.

From the kitchen...
I am wearing...a pink t-shirt and blue shorts with black flip-flops.
I am creating...a package to send to my cousin I am thinking about
I am going...call my mother and talk to her more.
I am reading...New Moon and restarting Becoming more than a Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst
I am hoping...to get that job at the university I applied for
I am hearing...the television behind me. Friends is on.
Around the house...it’s messy and dirty. I want my dad to help clean the house more.
One of my favorite things...spring time it brings new green on the trees and on the ground.
A few plans for the rest of the week: Fill out my student loan information and registar for summer and fall classes
Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

Spring Cleaning

Well, sort of. I'm going to be getting rid of some of my DVDs. Which is crazy because I just bought a bunch from the movie stores that are closing. But, I've been feeling the need to purge my belongings. Half the movies I have I don't watch and the ones I don't watch it's because that have bad words in them. I am finding that the closer I walk with Jesus the more I do not want that stuff in my house. I don't want to watch it. That's good because everything in my life should shine that I love Jesus and live for Him. So over the next few weeks and months I will be getting rid of some movies. I have a list of movies I'm going to put on eBay soon. I hope to make some money on them.

Today was long at work. My boss was back today and the other Transcriptionist was gone on vacation. I talked with my APN today. She is going to refer me to an ENT for my ear. It hasn't cleared up and she's worried about that. You know part of me doesn't want to go to this doctor because I'm scared he will want to do surgery on my ear. But, I know that whatever happens God will be there holding my hand.

I still haven't gotten back into reading my bible daily. It's something I am going to have to work on. I haven't been feeling myself because of this depression and so I have let little things like that slip by. I didn't even care about reading my bible or anything last week. I know ... not very Christian. You don't understand depression unless you experience it yourself first hand.

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I just talked to my 9 year old sister. She is getting so big. I can't believe she is 9 already. More on her later.

Jenn

Something to think about...

• As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

• You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.

• You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

• You'll fight with your best friend.

• You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

• You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

• So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Life

This is my first blog post. I have been debating on whether or not to start a blog. I mean, I have been busy enough with school, work, and life that I just don't know if one more thing to manage is possible. Only I think I need this. I have been going through a depression lately. I think it is totally situational; things with work and school have been crazy to say the least. I have completely stopped reading my bible which I am mad at myself for doing. I am going to try to pick up where I left off; which means I will be reading two days worth for a while. I wanted to get caught up this last week while we were out for spring break and didn't have school work to do, but I didn't do it. I have been so lazy. Well, there is another reason too. I have been having problems with my ears. I went to the dr about a week and a half ago. I was given an antibiotic and sinus meds. Both are not WORKING. My ears are bothering me so bad now. I will have to go back to the dr and get a referral to a specialist probably. Because this mess should have cleared up already.

Anyway, this will be my blog. If you are wondering about the title...well, I do want to find God in every situation I'm in. That's not just my title. This blog is not just a place for me to go and vent which is something I have been needing to do a lot of lately. But it will be a place for me to share what books I'm reading and what I think about them. I have a whole shelf full of books just waiting to be read. And I'm ready to read them too. But, like I said, I really don't have a lot of time to do that these days. So here you will find my thoughts about random life things, books to be read, books that have been read, and how God is getting me through some tough times.

Because I will occasionally mention work and the drama that is going on there, I will not mention the place by name. That is unprofessional to do so and I could also get fired if I were venting too hard about things going on. I will, at a later date, find a way to distinguish between work places (if the need arises).

****The following is a little back ground on me****

I am 26 years old and living at home with my dad. We live in a very small town in Arkansas and I have a strong dislike of the town. :) Yes, I know not a great way to get started on my blog but that is okay. My blog, my rules. ;) I am currently working in this small town at a job that has nothing to do with my major or my degree. That being said, I am also in Graduate school at a university near by. I am learning to juggle full-time work and part-time school for the first time in my life. I have to say that it is taking a toll on me. I am not used to working all day and then coming home and studying for three or four hours.

Like I said, I live with my dad. I love him, but he gets on my nerves. He doesn't understand what I am going through with this depression and in my family it is unheard of to talk about these things. Something that is really straining our relationship is his bitterness and the racism he doesn't hide at all. I don't know if he is a Christian or not and it is hard for me to talk to him about that. I think that is why I am having a hard time here. More to come on that subject later.

Look for my list of books I have read and books to be read. I will add books when I get a chance to do so.

Thanks for reading my blog. I hope my boring life is interesting to someone. Most of all, I hope God uses my journey to help others.